IT’S NOT A WONDERFUL LIFE PART ONE
Welcome friends! Gather round; you have probably all been dying to know what happened after the Halloween party “closet incident”. Our young vampires have been on holiday and it’s time to hear their stories of holiday “cheer”.
My Holiday Season
My holiday season was kind of awful. But apparently I have to write about it. If Han Solo taught us anything, it’s that sometimes you just have to do things, even if you don’t really want to. That’s called being a hero.
It all started right after the Halloween party Skylar, Parker, and I hosted at our house. First, everyone found out that we live together, and then everyone started thinking Skylar and are dating. Oh, and Skylar’s insipid friend got pepper sprayed by one of my kind of unstable guardians.
Yes, if you will all remember, Jessica had the rather unfortunate luck of walking into Juan’s room during the party, resulting in her receiving a face full of pepper spray. Needless to say, her parents were not thrilled. Neither was Androcles, for that matter. The party had ended, and everyone was lined up, including Renata and Ophelia, while Androcles paced up and down the line, glaring at each one in turn. Juan was sitting in one of the armchairs behind him, trembling.
Androcles’ Obi Wan Kenobi robe swished and billowed behind him quite dramatically as he paced. “As you all might imagine, I am very, very disappointed,” he said gravely. “I believed we had all formed a circle of trust, if you will, and it now has, sadly, been broken.”
“Oh, Andy,” Renata whimpered, “you know I would never do anything to compromise the loving bond we have!”
Ophelia just glared right back at him with equal venom, “I cannot believe you would imply that I would be foolish enough to arm someone like Juan!” She shook her head in disbelief. “Honestly, I do have a brain in my head.”
Androcles’ attention then turned fully on the teens, their faces fixed guiltily ahead. “Did you not think that I had a reason for quite firmly forbidding Juan’s possession of such a dangerous weapon?”
“Well, it’s not exactly like he had a katana or anything,” Raymond muttered sulkily. “Skylar’s stupid friend still has all her limbs, right?”
Skylar hit him not too lightly with one of her pom poms and glared at the side of his face–since he had refused to look at her since they had emerged from the closet. “Shut up, idiot! Like you care about anyone except characters from your stupid shows. News flash, moron, they aren’t real people and they don’t matter!”
So, of course, we all got blamed for the whole thing, even though I really had nothing to do with it at all. And Skylar had to open her big, fat mouth and insult my greatest passion… fortunately, like Captain Mal, I am able to keep a cool head in the midst of battle, and I was able to restrain myself.
Except, that is not what happened at all…
Raymond screeched like a wild animal, and flew at Skylar, fangs out and everything. Her eyes went wide as he tackled her to the ground, and then her fangs were out too, and blood was flying everywhere.
Parker just stood back to watch, taking a long gulp of his punch, while Androcles, Renata and Ophelia all scrambled to pull the two apart.
When they were finally separated, both were covered in the other’s blood, Raymond had a large fistful of Skylar’s hair in his hand, and Skylar had Raymond’s glasses in hers. She screamed in rage, threw the glasses on the ground and started jumping up and down on them.
“Hey!” Raymond yelled, trying to pull out of Androcles’ grip, “I had those special made to be an exact replica of Clark Kent’s glasses! Those were worth more than your life!” Neither one of them seemed to be too bothered by the fact that they had each had several bites taken out of them.
Skylar’s fangs were still out and she snarled at him. “Whatever! You. Ruined. My. Hair!!!”
Parker gasped softly from the sidelines, his eyes widening in horror. Clearly he expected an even bigger fight as a result of that particular offense. He knew well that you just did not mess with someone’s hair!
“Enough!!” Androcles bellowed, “that is enough! Both of you!” He shoved Raymond into Ophelia’s custody, “Renata, Ophelia, take these two up to their rooms and make sure they stay there…a bloody vampire rampage is quite certainly the last thing we need right now!”
And that left Parker. All alone. With a not so happy Androcles staring at him.
“Uh, does that mean I can be excused too?” he asked hopefully. “I mean, I didn’t even try to maul anyone!”
“No! You, young man, are going to tell me exactly where that accursed pepper spray came from.”
“Oh,” Parker said dejectedly.
And so Parker told him all about the trip to the party supply store and how the only way to get Juan out of the car had been to bribe him.
My Holiday Season
I’m so glad we get to write about our holiday season, because this is my favorite time of year. I mean, a break from school, decorations, and presents! It doesn’t get more awesome than that! Not to mention, we got to leave the Manor for a little bit to spend Christmas with our families! But, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s first talk about my awesome Halloween.
We had the best Halloween party ever at the manor and all my friends were just the best…we even got to celebrate the fact that my awesome friends Raymond and Skylar got together this Halloween! Congratulations you guys! I honestly had no idea they were even into each other, but, hey, good for them!
The only downer was that my friend Jessica got hurt in a pepper spray accident at the party and Androcles had to go and yell at me of all people. As if it was my fault Juan has issues. Oh well, she’ll come around when she realizes that I’m the guy of her dreams and that she can’t live without me.
Anyway, Thanksgiving was okay. A little weird, I guess. I don’t know, for being in love Raymond and Skylar sure are moody.
A little weird would be putting it lightly. As we know, dear Raymond and Skylar were not in love in the slightest, and when the “family dinner” rolled around, tensions were running rather high. The vampires–the “original” vampires, so to speak–decided to have a Thanksgiving dinner, just like what the teenagers would have had at their homes. Of course, they needed a little direction from the children, since they could not even decide what in the world they were supposed to make for dinner for such an occasion.
“I just don’t understand it,” Ophelia was saying, shaking her head at the teens. “There certainly wasn’t any cranberry sauce at the first Thanksgiving.” She sighed, “I mean, I know Roanoke and Plymouth have some geographical differences, but I feel quite certain on this point. And I dare say any celebrating was of a quiet, drab variety. Puritans never were ones for parties in any circumstance.”
“I suppose it is a wonderful thing we are not Puritans then!” Renata chimed in, beaming.
Skylar sighed. “Thank God! Have you guys seen the way they used to dress?”
“As a woman, my dear girl, I can assure you that the way they used to dress would be quite the least of your concerns.”
Raymond laughed. “Right, like she has any concerns outside of lipgloss color and hair products.”
Parker looked at him very seriously. “Hair products are a very big deal, Raymond.”
“You know what’s a big deal?” Raymond said, glaring over at Skylar, “the fact that she destroyed my custom glasses, effectively blinding me!”
Androcles put a hand on his shoulder. “I believe we had all decided to try getting along for awhile. Besides, it seems to me that your vision is just fine.”
Raymond shook his head. “No it’s not! Just ask my eye doctor! I need those!”
“Maybe your vision is bit dull for a vampire, but I assure you, you do not need the spectacles any longer,” Ophelia sniffed. “Honestly, a vampire wearing glasses…”
“But they were custom!”
Renata put an arm around Raymond and steered him to the dining room. “I know, and it is just a terrible loss…”
My Holiday Season
I’m supposed to write about my holiday season, and how wonderful it all was. But this was basically the worst holiday season ever in my whole life. Possibly in the history of the world. It all started when Parker’s idiot friend completely ruined the Halloween party and my life by convincing everyone that I would even consider dating Raymond freaking Robinson. Ew! I have my standards! I honestly wouldn’t date him if we were the last two people left on the planet.
To make everything a thousand times worse, we had to spend Thanksgiving at the Manor. I mean really? Thanksgiving is supposed to be about impressing all of your parents’ friends and then having the house to yourself while they all go out to their cocktail parties! But, no, we had to all sit around a table together! Together! And I didn’t even get any money or anything so I could go amuse myself with shopping. So, you can imagine how horrible it was that we all had to go around the table and say what we were thankful for. What in the world am I supposed to be grateful for right now?
As you can all see, Skylar was busy throwing herself a pity party, while Raymond sat glaring at his plate, randomly pointing at things in the distance and telling anyone who would listen that he couldn’t see nearly as far as they could. Parker, meanwhile, was smiling and shoveling food in his mouth as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
“So, I have an idea!” he said, looking around the table enthusiastically. “Let’s all go around and say what we’re thankful for!”
“Why, that’s a wonderful idea! I’ll start us off, shall I?” Renata beamed, totally oblivious to Raymond and Skylar glaring at her. “I’m most thankful for my darling Andy, this home we have all come together to create, and the family that we have found in each other!”
Androcles smiled, though it was a bit strained. “That was very nice, Renata. Anyone else?”
Parker bounced up and down in his seat and raised his hand. “I have one! So, I’m grateful for the existence of Jessica Miller! And, of course, my wingman, Jackson.” Skylar and Raymond both hissed, but Parker didn’t seem to notice. “Oh! And I’m also thankful for Sports Illustrated. Oh, wait! And Axe hairspray.”
“Gee, are you sure you don’t have anything else you’d like to mention?” Raymond muttered.
“Well, I for one, thought that was just lovely!” Renata announced, smiling at Parker.
Things were super tense after that, all the way up to Thanksgiving. I didn’t have my glasses anymore, so I was pretty much struggling to see everything all the time. At least I didn’t have to see as much of Skylar’s stupid face.
We didn’t get to go home for Thanksgiving, which was okay, I guess. It was a lot quieter than a normal Thanksgiving, even though Renata wanted us to say what we were thankful for and Parker just wouldn’t shut up. The moron is happy about everything. I, of course, was a good sport about the whole thing, since I am–not to brag–pretty mature for my age. Even Androcles thinks so.
“Raymond, would you like to go next?” Androcles asked hopefully.
“Well, where should I start?” Raymond answered, voice dripping with sarcasm. “I died this year, so that was pretty cool. And I got turned into a vampire. And I was forced to share a stupid house with a Paris Hilton wannabe and the world’s most clueless idiot.” He gestured to Skylar and Parker. “I sure hope next year will be just as great.”
Renata’s smile faltered a little, “Oh…well, I’m glad you feel safe enough to share your feelings with us.”
Ophelia rolled her eyes. “Yes, as am I,” she said dryly. “Dare I even ask Skylar what she is thankful for?”
Skylar glared challengingly at Raymond. “First of all, Paris Hilton was so seven years ago. Get with the program. And I’m only grateful that Raymond’s stupid life has been ruined just as much as mine has by this whole disaster.”
Androcles and Renata exchanged a glance. “Well,” Androcles said, finally, “it is nice that you can see the silver lining to the situation, at least.”
I think we were all pretty happy when Thanksgiving was over. I mean, once you get through Thanksgiving, you basically just have to hang tight for a few weeks until winter break.
I kind of felt like I was the only one at Thanksgiving who was really super grateful. Well, besides Renata, of course. Skylar and Raymond just wouldn’t get into the spirit of the holiday! Maybe they were just too embarrassed to say they were thankful for each other. Oh well. But dinner was super delicious and that’s the most important thing, right?
So, then after that it was finally time to go home for Christmas time! Which is obviously the best time of the year. Even if my parents are super embarrassing about it all…
I suppose I was most thankful when dinner was over and I could be anywhere Raymond wasn’t. And fortunately, after that, I actually got to go home for Christmas. Of course, that is another story completely.